The Big Bang by c.r. (via seethestarsablaze)
Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.
In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.
Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.
Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet.
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now?
Go fuck yourself.
Waiting for a Lover
by Sandra Cisneros
And what if you don’t arrive?
And what if you do?
I’m so afraid
I cross my fingers,
make a wish,
You can’t hurt me yet.
I light the candles.
Say my prayers.
Scent myself with mangoes.
I like the possibility of anything,
the little fear I feel
when you enter a room.
I haven’t a clue of the who of you.
And what if you do like me?
And what if you do?
I can’t think.
Dress myself in slinky black,
my 14-karat hoops and my velvet spikes.
Smoke two cigars.
I’m doing loopity loops.
Listen - cars roar by. All night.
I’m waiting for the one that stops.
All my life. Listen -
You want to know what falling in love feels like?
It feels like the 4th of July in Malibu
sitting in the sand,
sweating in your new bathing suit
when none of your friends will enter the ocean with you.
It feels like that moment when you think
and go into the waves on your own—
toes first, then calves, knees, thighs…
gasping when the water crashes over your sex and hits your pelvis.
It feels like the caress of seaweed
on your shoulder as the sweat glides off,
the joy of feeling clean again,
a promise so alluring you bend your knees
and let the water roll over your head.
It feels like the darkness under your feet
when you notice that there are no more rocks to hold you up:
just the buoyancy of water,
and you think fuck it one more time,
kicking out away from the shore.
It feels like that big wave you see coming;
rolling closer along the horizon…
you can’t help but swim to it.
It batters you,
sending your arms and legs akimbo,
your sun drenched skin slamming into the shore.
It feels like dragging in air
as you spit sand and dust off grit
just to realize
that the only way to become clean again
is to go back into the waves.
—by Sondra Rose Marie
So I know I said i was going to write something new every week. And I did! But this.
I feel terrible because I can’t remember your last name. I’m a romantic—I bet you wouldn’t have guessed—and I remember writing your name in my diary right after I met you. Your last name was really important because you have the 28th most common girl’s name of the 1980s and there were three other girls in our social circle with your name. We all met under such crazy circumstances that I had to write about you all, which is why it’s crazy that I don’t remember something so simple.
It turns out that you were the last innocent crush I ever had. It’s not like my thoughts about you were all that innocent (sorry, but I’m not sorry: you’re really gorgeous), but I wasn’t in the business of guarding myself yet so I was pure excitement. I lit up like a Lite Brite every time we talked or you chose to sit with me when the group met up. Thinking back on it now, I’m sure you knew how I felt and I think you were pretty amused by me.
Do you remember that day I ran into you in that bookstore in Santa Monica? I walked into a table because I was so nervous and excited when I saw you. You laughed, but it wasn’t mean-spirited and then you stopped to talk with me for a bit. It totally made my day. I remember driving home elated because we’d spoken and you should feel really good about that; you are (a) awesome enough to make a girl’s day just by saying ‘hey’ and (b) the kind of woman who takes a minute to indulge (but not overtly encourage) a younger admirer instead of blocking her out.
I haven’t seen you since then, which is exactly as the universe intended it to be. You exist in my life story only as the beautiful girl covered in undulating patterns of perfect tawny freckles that I never got to kiss. I know that you appear in a million life stories as a million different characters; we all do. Usually we never learn who we are for people, so I hope this is one account of your existence that makes you smile.
With sincere affection,
Your adorably obvious admirer